


I Keep A Record Of The Wreckage In My Life

by Krit



Series: Fuck It, This Is Love [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Canon Era, Child Abuse, Coping, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dehumanization, Devotion, Extremely Underage, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Forced Prostitution, Found Family, Gen, Healing, Identity Issues, Incest, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Parabatai Feels, Parent/Child Incest, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Polyamory, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Protective Siblings, Pseudo-Incest, Sexual Abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, Victim Blaming, Whump, therapeutic BDSM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 03:20:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21111809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krit/pseuds/Krit
Summary: A look into Jace's life and past, the people who hurt him and the people who helped him.The first part of a series about Jace and his family facing the darkness together.





	1. My demons are begging me to open up my mouth

**Author's Note:**

> This one is mostly dark and angsty, but it's also basically a prologue/exposition.
> 
> There will be comfort with the hurt in later installments.

** _That's the beauty of a secret_ **

** _You know you're supposed to keep it_ **

** _But I don't have to fucking tell you anything,_ **

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Isn’t it like, against The Law or something, for a Shadowhunter to not believe in the angels? And besides, you of all people know for a fact that they’re real. You met one, and another _resurrected_ you.”

Jace took another long pull from the bottle of vodka in his hand and let himself fall back again. Maybe when Alec told him that he should find some way to deal with his issues, ‘getting drunk on Maia’s kitchen floor’ wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. But hey, it worked. 

“I didn’t say I don’t believe that they exist. Obviously they exist. I just don’t believe in them. Everyone always likes to say that the angels are watching over us, protecting us, guiding us. It’s all bullshit. The angels don’t give a fuck.”

Maia raised an eyebrow at him from where she sat against the cabinets, and took a sip from her own bottle. 

“That still sounds like it’s probably taboo.”

“It is. I tend not to tell people. But then...” He shut is eyes and let out a humorless chuckle. “If I started explaining my philosophy, I’d have to explain why. And that way leads to more explanations, and questions, and......” He huffed out a breath. “I don’t need people knowing all that.”

“Maybe they should. Maybe it would be good for you.”

“Psh! Yeah. That’ll go over well. Sure, let me just tell my girlfriend that my father, who is biologically _her_ father, raped me for almost four years. Oh yeah, that’ll be a lovely conversation. Let’s tell my family that I was being abused and whored out right under their noses. Because they don’t have _enough_ unfounded guilt. Great idea, Mai.”

Maia sighed and shook her head. “The world won’t end if they know.”

“You don’t know that.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

** _I sat alone, in bed 'til the morning_ **

** _I'm crying, "They're coming for me"_ **

** _And I tried to hold these secrets inside me_ **

** _My mind's like a deadly disease_ **


	2. Who is in control?

** _I sold my soul to a three-piece_ **

** _And he told me I was holy_ **

** _He's got me down on both knees_ **

** _But it's the devil that's tryna_ **

** _Hold me down, hold me down_ **

** _Sneaking out the back door,_ **

** _Make no sound_ **

** _Knock me out, knock me out_ **

** _Saying that I want more, this is what I live for_ **

** _Hold me down, hold me down_ **

** _Throw me in the deep end, watch me drown_ **

** _Knock me out, knock me out_ **

** _Saying that I want more, this is what I live for_ **

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_“Always remember. You’re not like other people. You’re special. You were made for this. Your body does not belong to you. It belongs to me. You were made to be of use.”_

It’s strange the things you’ll believe. Seven years old and no stranger to pain. This wasn’t pain. Not yet. Not really. This was nice. Wasn’t it? Kisses on his face instead of knuckles. Soft touches. It was like affection. Love. And maybe it felt strange. Maybe he didn’t quite understand. But father said he loved him. And maybe sometimes it did hurt. But father said that to be loved is to be destroyed. 

Father said he was special. 

~*~

Eight years old the first time it really hurt. The first time that it felt like a lesson. He tried to relax. Tried to breathe. He knew pain. He could handle pain. It had always felt like relief. Like learning. Like freedom. Not this. This just hurt. His father’s hand on the back of his neck. Telling him to be good.

He tried. 

~*~

Nine years old. Father made him all the spaghetti he could eat and then some for his birthday. He loved spaghetti. It was always a reward. Spaghetti meant he’d done well. Spaghetti meant he’d been good. Spaghetti meant he was safe.

His father took him outside and taught him a new finishing move. The right spot and the right angle to sever a person’s spine and heart at the same time. He told him he was proud of him. 

Nine years and one month old when he met another person for the first time. A friend of his father’s. Someone who had helped him with something important. Someone his father wanted to reward. 

_“This is what you were made for. The perfect weapon. The perfect tool. The perfect pet. My prized possession. Be good for me. Show him what you’ve learned.”_

Later that night, his father made him spaghetti. 

~*~

Hodge was afraid of Maryse. Jace could tell. Years later, she would tell him that she’d always hoped his fear of her would outweigh his loyalty to Valentine. He didn’t know how to tell her that it barely outweighed anything at all. 

_“I knew your father.”_

_“I’m going to take care of you.”_

_“You’re going to be good for me.”_

_“You belong to me now.”_

There was relief in it. When his father died, one of the myriad of thoughts racing through his mind was that he didn’t have anyone to tell him what to do. He didn’t belong to anyone anymore. He had hoped he could belong to Maryse. She was strong and sharp. But she was also kind. He had thought... but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t about what he wanted. He wasn’t supposed to want things. 

When Hodge came into his room and explained what was expected of him, he did as he was told. When Hodge told him that the Lightwoods didn’t want to hear about anything he did for Hodge. That they were only interested in his work as soldier. He wasn’t to bother them with anything else. He didn’t question it. Why would he? He wasn’t supposed to think or question. He was supposed to obey. 

~*~

The sun always hurt his eyes. Garish and harsh. Burning his skin. Blinding him. Ripping out his secrets and leaving him nowhere to hide. Everything was always too real and unfamiliar in the harsh light of day. Alec was the moon. Izzy the stars. The soft comforting light in the darkness. Letting him stay hidden, but always helping him find his way. Showing him the way home. Keeping him safe through the night. Close enough to bathe him in their light. But too far away to truly touch. All for the better. He always ruined everything he touched. He couldn’t ruin them. Wouldn’t. He would protect them. From the monsters in the world. From the monsters at their door. From himself. They were important. Special. Sacred. His moon and stars. His brother and sister. His heart and soul. 

~*~

Jace Liked Malachi. He reminded him of his father. He missed his father so much. Hodge told him to do whatever Malachi said. Hodge wanted a favor. Malachi wanted Jace. A fair trade.

It hurt. Hodge was rough and cruel, but he didn’t really hurt Jace very much. Not like his father did. But Malachi… He made Jace feel everything. He made him prove himself. Made him beg. Made him cry. Punished him for crying.

It was the closest thing Jace had felt to peace since his father died.

~*~

Parabatai. The word alone sent sparks of hope and longing into Jace’s heart. His father told him that those bonds actually made you weaker. They weren’t worth it. To love is to destroy. And even if they were worth anything, Jace certainly wasn’t. Why would anyone want to be bound to something like him? He knew his worth, and it lay in his body, not his soul. If he even had one. A killer and a whore. He knew his place. But still, he couldn’t help but dream. Alec loved him in a way that didn’t hurt. Alec protected him. Helped him. Understood him more than anyone. Understood that there were things he couldn’t understand. They had become inseparable. And Jace couldn’t help but dream. And want. And wish. But he wasn’t allowed. He knew that.  
  
Maryse was beaming at dinner.  
  
“Alec has been offered an amazing opportunity!” She exclaimed. “Malachi Dieudonné has offered to take him as an apprentice!”  
  
Jace’s blood ran cold and his breath stuck in his throat.  
  
“Alec would go live in his apartment in Alicante, and Malachi would train him for leadership. He would have a foot in the door for the best Clave positions, and considerable privileges!”  
  
Privileges. Those always came with a price. And Jace knew Malachi’s price. But Alec wasn’t like Jace. Alec was important. Alec should be safe and protected. No one should ever hurt him. No one should ever...  
  
He saw everyone staring at him, confused, before he realized that he’d spoken. Well, more so shouted the word ‘no’ at the top of his lungs.  
  
He stared back at them, petrified. He didn’t know what to say. He had figured out that they didn’t know. About Hodge. About Malachi. About what he was. He was fourteen and had picked up on some things. That what he was, was something bad. Something dirty and shameful. What they were doing was wrong. He was wrong. He let them. He lied for them. He even liked it sometimes. Even when it hurt. Especially when it hurt. But he knew. It was bad. And Alec... Alec was so good. Alec was too precious to go through that. He should never be dirty. Never be hurt.  
  
Jace had to save him. He would die before he let anything happen to Alec. But he didn’t know what to say. But he did. And a small part of him felt guilty. Selfish. Using this to get what he wanted. But it was the best way.  
  
“You can’t move to Alicante!” He insisted. “I was going to ask you to be my parabatai! You have to stay. You have to stay here with me!” _Stay where I can protect you._

~*~

Seventeen and Jace saw the way people looked at him. Not just Hodge and Malachi. Most people. He saw the way Alec and Izzy looked at him. He and Alec were about to be Parabati. It wouldn’t be allowed. But Izzy... Jace thought for the first time, that maybe he could be with someone he wanted back. He wondered if she would approach him. He didn’t know how it would work. He heard some of the other kids talking now and then. But that was different. He wasn’t like them. It wasn’t about what he wanted. He wasn’t supposed to want. He was supposed to serve. 

They were sparing. Alec would’ve called it goofing off. Wrestling like puppies. No form, no technique. Just trying to beat each other. Izzy won. Straddling him with a triumphant grin. 

“Pinned ya!” She announced. He flipped them, and they grappled some more, before she had him on his back again. 

“Pinned ya again!” She could barely get the sentence out, she was laughing so hard. One of the few things all three of them could agree on completely was an unhealthy obsession for Disney movies. They quoted them at every opportunity. 

He laughed with her, enjoying the feel of her on top of him. She was out of breath, with her hands on his shoulders. She leaned down a bit, just staring at him, smiling. The way she looked at him was different than the way other people looked at him. The way the men and women his father used to lend him to looked at him. It was the same, but different. Different enough that Jace decided to be bold. Alec and Izzy always told him when he got something wrong. And they were always kind about it. They always told him he was allowed to have fun. He liked having fun with them. 

He leaned up and pressed his lips to hers. Her breath hitched, but she kissed him back. His hands found her waist, just holding her there. 

It was so different. He knew what to do, but he felt lost. But it was Izzy. She would keep him safe. 

~*~

They had just gotten back from a mission. One of their first as just the three of them on their own. Alec went off to give their report to their mother, and Izzy followed Jace back to his bedroom. He was exhausted. Bruised and drained, and all he wanted in the entire world was to fall asleep.

Izzy was the exact opposite. High on adrenaline and endorphins from the fight. Excited at their success. She was pure energy, and it was manifesting in a very specific way. She grabbed him as soon as the door closed, kissing him fiercely.

Jace felt a flicker of dismay. He wanted her, of course he did. He loved being with her, and he loved taking care of her, keeping her satisfied. But he was so tired. It wasn’t going to be as easy as it always was with her, but he could do it. He put his hands on her hips and pulled her close, kissing her back.

Izzy was straddling his hips and kissing his neck, when suddenly she sat up, looking down at him with confusion and concern. “Are you okay? Do you not want to?”

Jace returned her confusion. “What? Yeah, no, I’m fine.” He yawned. “I can do this.” He insisted. 

Izzy laughed incredulously. “Jace if you’re not up for it, we don’t have to.”

“No, I can!” He promised. “I’m sorry. Let me just grab my stele. I can activate my stamina rune.”

When he tried to sit up, Izzy pushed him back down. “Jace.” She said sternly, but softly. “You don’t have to just because I want to.”

“Huh?” Jace just stared at her. He understood the words, but they made no sense. 

“Oh, by the angel, I forget sometimes that you grew up alone.” She sighed and slid off of him, sitting next to him on the bed. “Didn’t mom and dad give you the sex talk? They gave it to me. And I think Alec got one.”

“Yeah. They did.” He hadn’t really paid attention. He already knew all about sex. 

“Okay, well, consent is important.”

“Right.” Maryse had said that if a girl told him no, then he had to respect that. But he knew that. He had never been allowed to argue with anyone. He wasn’t supposed to want anything someone didn’t offer. “But... you want to.”

“Do you?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Izzy slapped her hand to her forehead. “Dude! Just because someone else wants to, doesn’t mean you have to!” She was laughing a little sadly. Like she always did when he was being naive. 

“But that’s for-” _Real people_. “For girls.”

“No, dumb-dumb. It’s for everyone. You never have to do anything just because someone wants you to. Especially sex.” She lifted her arms in the air. “Bodily autonomy!” She declared. 

Jace looked at her like she was insane. But he got the feeling that this was one of those things that he was supposed to understand. And people always got angry or sad when he didn’t understand. “Right. Okay. I... I won’t have sex with you if I don’t really want to.”

She grinned. “Exactly!” She nudged his shoulder with her own. “You’re allowed to do whatever you want with your body, Jace. I know ‘we’re soldiers, and our lives belong to the angel, and it’s our duty to fight’ and all that. But you’re still allowed to do what you want with your body. You can eat what you want, have sex with who you want, and I’m even getting my nipples pierced as soon as I turn eighteen! You have to be eighteen to get it done in mundane shops.”

“Don’t you have a fake ID?”

“I haven’t saved up enough money for it yet. So... I guess whichever comes first.”

Jace nodded, his mind reeling. Everything she was saying flew in the face of everything he knew. It couldn’t be true for him. It was for other people. He was different. The rules were different. Or... maybe... Maybe he could. Maybe he could pretend to be a person, and do things he wanted. Only a little. He could try it. 

~*~

It was a bit of a thrill. Doing something purely for himself. He wasn’t used to it. Everything he did was always for someone else’s benefit in some way. But this... this was just for him. Even Alec and Izzy wouldn’t like this, like they did the other frivolous things he enjoyed. He kept expecting someone to stop him. To tell him he couldn’t. He wasn’t allowed. 

But he was twenty now. An adult in every sense. And it was his money. Maryse and Robert knew, and even encouraged it. Hodge had scoffed, but hadn’t made a fuss. Malachi didn’t know, and Jace didn’t feel the need to tell him. He could have this. This was good. 

Walking up to the Carnegie Hall box office, he put on his most charming smile. 

“Hello! I’m told there are membership options for people between twenty and forty?”

The mundane behind the desk grinned brightly and explained all the different options of prices and benefits of the membership. He chose one of the middle ones and signed up. His hands only shook a little. She didn’t even notice. 

~*~

Meeting Clary was whirlwind. A puzzle. A challenge. Meeting Simon was an experience. The two of them crashed into his life and turned everything upside down. He couldn’t think straight. Didn’t know what to feel.  
  
Hodge hated them. And that just made Jace like them more.  
  
Alec hated them, and that hurt. But he knew Alec. He just needed time to warm up to them. His brother was a misanthrope by nature. But it was possible for people to grow on him.  
  
If Izzy and Alec were home and safety, then Clary and Simon were fresh air and adventure. Everything he never thought to want, let alone know he needed. The sun had never been as soft and warm as when Clary looked at him. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling every time Simon opened his mouth. Couldn’t help teasing him just to get him all wound up. They delighted him.  
  
They were both so confused and scared, but so very strong and brave in the face of it. He admired them. He wanted to keep them. Keep them with him. Keep them safe. Help them. Protect them. Teach them..... Love them.

~*~

His arms were sore. Stretched above his head. The rough metal digging into his wrists. His face ached. The blows kept coming. His father wouldn’t even beat him himself anymore. Made one of his lackeys do it. Each blow felt like an insult. Telling him he wasn’t even good enough for his father’s touch anymore. 

His father’s hands felt different at twenty-two than they did at ten. He knew better now. Knew what this was. Knew it was wrong. But he couldn’t stop that swell of relief at his father’s hands on his skin again. This was familiar. This was home. This was love. This was wrong. He was wrong. His father. His sister. It was wrong. He was wrong. He knew that. But for the life of him, he couldn’t understand why. 

“Are you still my good boy?”

“Go to hell.” _Yes. Of course. Always. I love you. Please love me._ “Leave me alone.” _Never leave me again. _

He spit his own blood in his father’s face and felt the crack of his fist against his own face a second later. It felt like waking up. Coming home. 

_~*~_

“What do you think your brother will enjoy more? A day at The San Diego Zoo, or dinner and a concert at The Royal Albert Hall?” It always made Jace happy when Magnus asked him and Izzy for suggestions. It showed how dedicated he was to making sure Alec enjoyed himself. He was especially glad Magnus had asked in this instance. 

“The zoo. Definitely. I’ve taken Alec to classical music concerts twice, and the opera once. Luckily, his snores are very quiet and discreet.”

Magnus barked out a laugh and stared at Jace in wonder. “I suppose that’s why I’ve been hearing someone make use of my piano since you moved in.” 

Jace glared at him. “That thing was so out of tune, I wanted to punch you. That is a one hundred year old Steinway in perfect condition, and no one has touched her in _years!_” He closed his eyes and took a few slow breaths. “Anyway. Alec and Izzy aren’t big on theater and concerts. They both fell asleep during The Trans-Siberian Orchestra! I mean, come on! That’s not even-! I mean I figured at least _that_-!”

Magnus was very obviously trying very hard to not laugh. “So, what you’re saying, is that when I get tickets to the Sydney Opera House, I should take you instead of Alec?”

Jace’s face melted into something that closely resembled a hopeful child. “Yes please.” He said quietly. “Unless you’re kidding. You’re probably kidding.” His face shuttered back into its usual mask of casual indifference. 

Magnus opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Not at all.” He said simply. “I’ll keep in mind that you would enjoy that sort of thing. I have a lot of friends who are always offering me tickets to all kinds of shows and concerts.” 

Jace smiled slightly. “Thank you.”

~*~

He was somebody. He was supposed to be somebody. She put a chain around his neck with his parents’ rings on it and told him she would teach him how to be her family.  
  
But she didn’t. She just wanted to use him. Just like everyone else. No. Not everyone. Not his family. Not his real family. She wasn’t his family. She was his grandmother. She was his blood. She wasn’t his family. Did he belong to her now? He wanted to belong to the Lightwoods.  
  
He did the best he could. He chose the Hunter’s Moon because he knew Maia would be working. She wouldn’t stand for this. He couldn’t speak up against his grandmother. But Maia could. He let her beat him up. Didn’t fight back. She was right. He was wrong. He didn’t want to be doing this. She could make it stop.  
  
When Maia was arrested, even if he could’ve opened his mouth, he knew that if he argued, Imogen wouldn’t listen to anything else he had to say. So he kept quiet. Let them take her. And convinced them not to take it any further. No real charges without substantial concrete evidence. No sending her to The Guard. He could keep her safe so long as she was in that cell. A lesson he learned a long time ago. If you can bend, you won’t break.  
  
He wanted his grandmother to love him. But she didn’t. She loved the ghost of her son. The boy she pushed away. He wondered if it was things like this that made Steven run to Valentine. His birth father chose Valentine over Imogen. Jace wondered what that said about Steven. What it said about him. And especially, what it said about Imogen.  
  
He stayed quiet. He was a good boy. He let her hand the institute to him, and as soon as she left, he had proven himself enough to be able to hand it right on to Alec, and no one could make a fuss. He had left no room for anyone to besmirch his judgement.  
  
Bend. Don’t break. Swim with the current.  
  
Survive.

~*~

The ache in his arms felt like scratching an itch. The ropes rough and comfortable around his wrists. Each slap across his face was like a kiss. Maia was stronger than she looked. His head would snap to the side, and she would grab his chin and face him forward again. Her soft thighs pressed against his waist. Her left hand curled around his throat. “Good boy.” She purred happily. Jace shuddered and moaned. He was safe in her arms. Held and protected. She would hurt him in all the ways he loved best. He could get away at any time. He could tell her to stop and she _would_. He didn’t want her to stop. He wanted her to keep him like this. Tied down and secure. Trapped but oh so free. No worries. No responsibilities. No need to think. He could shut it all down and hand himself over. He only had to be good for her. He was always so good for her. She always told him so. And when he failed, her punishments were fair and quick. And as soon as they were over, he was forgiven. She was never disappointed in him. Only told him to try again. 

~*~

It didn’t quite hurt. Not really. He turned around and felt _something_. A twinge in his chest. Something sharp. But he barely noticed it. He turned around and was face to face with his father. The thing he felt most was surprise. He hadn’t heard him coming. He never saw him coming. 

His chest hurt. 

He looked down. 

There was a knife in his chest. In his heart. The blade was inside him. A hand around the handle. He knew that hand. His eyes trailed up to.... But... 

He had never seen his father look so distraught before. He didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. His father would never do this. Would never hurt him like this. Would never throw him away if he couldn’t get him back. 

“I’m sorry, son.”

His father loved him. To love is to destroy. His father loved him. To be loved is to be destroyed.

His father loved him. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

** _And now I can't stop thinking that I can't stop thinking_ **

** _That I almost gave you everything_ **

** _And now the whole thing's finished and I can't stop wishing_ **

** _That I never gave you anything_ **

**Author's Note:**

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